i haven't updated xanga in forever.

Currently Listening ...Is a Real Boy By Say Anything see related

just some realizations

so, i have completely done a 180 with the shane claiborne book. i love it. it has changed my entire outlook on some things. i may not agree with everything he has to say, but most of what he has to say is pretty freakin' solid. his book makes me want to change a lot of things about the way i live and treat people.  it has opened up my mind a lot, too.

and my devotion today was good. it was about how God delights in me. and how, even when i don't feel special (which is a whole heck of a lot of the time) HE thinks i'm special. i know it sounds so kiddish and child-like, but isn't that exactly the way we're supposed to approach God? like a child?

here is the message translation of what i read today, isaiah 62:2-5

"foreign countries will see your righteousness,
and world leaders your glory.
you'll get a brand-new name
straight from the mouth of God.
you'll be a stunning crown in the palm of God's hand,
a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.
no more will anyone call you Rejected,
and your country will no more be called Ruined.
you'll be called hephzibah (My Delight),
and your land beulah (Married),
because God delights in you
and your land will be like a wedding celebration.
for as a young man marries his virgin bride,
so your builder marries you,
and as a bridegroom is happy in his bride,
so your God is happy with you."

i italicized what really stood out to me. i feel rejected and un-special a lot. even though i've gone leaps and bounds when it comes to having a better self-esteem, i still struggle with it sometimes.

but this passage lets me know that God is not mad at me when i screw up. he is happy with me. and HE will never reject me. he DELIGHTS in me. that is so cool. it's like when a new mom delights in her baby, God delights in all of his children. he looks down on us with a SMILE, not a "mischievous grin," as the saying goes.

anywho - part of me is tired of thinking of how many things i do wrong. i'm tired of hearing from so many people how i can improve on things. sometimes it's just nice to hear that i'm doing something RIGHT. it's refreshing to hear how i've affected somebody's life for the better. it's humbling to hear how i've helped someone grow in their walk with Christ. it's comforting to know that i have made someone's day better.

i'm not saying i don't welcome good advice. and maybe it's my problem - maybe i just pay too much attention to what i'm doing wrong, but it's nice to hear once in a while that i'm appreciated, you know?

part of this is because me and everyone else expects from other people what they do themselves. they expect to be treated in the same manner in which they treat others. and i've always been someone who listens and understands, rather than someone who gives advice and disagrees. i'm not saying people who give advice necessarily disagree with the person they're giving advice to, all i'm saying is that i appreciate a good listening ear from time to time. i think that's why i miss my friend staci so much. she was SO good at listening to me and understanding my feelings without condescending me. i love all my friends, but if i had to give titles to my closest friends, staci would be called "the listener," or perhaps "the understander," heh.

maybe it's just hard because i live so far away from all of my friends now that i'm in the richmond area. i barely have anyone to hang out with. and i'm starting to feel a bit lonely and friendless. and i don't know exactly how to "go out and meet people." for one thing, i'm not into the bar or club scene. and you can't much find anyone to talk to in barnes & noble or starbucks, because most of them are busy doing work on their laptops or are deeply engaged in a book or something. or some are with a group of friends, and how scary and awkward would that be, to walk up to a random group of people and ask to join in? and most just look down right intimidating.

i'm still waiting for my boss to call me about a new student. oh, yeah, about that. apparently the school i was working at with jerome doesn't think i'm "firm enough" with him. my boss told me not to worry, though, because apparently they thought the previous counselor was "TOO firm." it's like they don't know what they want. so anywho, she had to pull me out and she's in the process of finding another client for me, so in the meantime i have a ton of free time on my hands. i'm kind of mad, because nobody told me what they expected with jerome at the time i started to work with him. and they said this about me after the FIRST FREAKING DAY i worked with him! it's like they left no room for growth! they didn't even give me a chance to TRY to be firmer with him. it was just like, "well you're not good enough, so out you go!" my boss seemed to be pretty miffed about it, too.

anywho - i spent the weekend with my best friend. it was kind of interesting. we got kind of irritated with each other for the first time in a VERY long time. but then we had a heartfelt talk and everything was pretty much okay after that. she really opened my eyes up to a lot of things. but one thing that particularly upset me was the fact that i feel like i completely embarrassed myself (which was not exactly helped by her presence) in front of this guy i'm becoming friends with and getting to know. and i feel like i did all the wrong things in an attempt to explain what happened, when maybe i didn't even HAVE to. signature stephanie right there. but it's like my best friend sat there and pointed out all my flaws right in front of the guy instead of lifting me up and talking about how great of a person i am or whatever. i mean that's what most friends do when they meet a guy that their friend has just met. so i in turn felt as though i had to "clean things up" and apologize to him for her (and my) behavior, as well as hoping that the stuff megan said about me didn't completely turn him off to further developing a friendship with me or whatever.

::sigh:: i just sometimes wonder if i am doomed to screw up the good things that come to me in life. i am always so afraid that people won't stick around. i'm afraid that they won't be happy with what they see in me, or that their first impressions will be bad (let's face it, i can be kind of awkward and i'm not exactly the hottest of creatures, either) and that they won't want to get to know me further because i'm not something special (there goes that "special" thing again) and i'm kind of...well, plain. no glamor here. so i feel that i have to rush into telling people deeper things about me, because if i don't go ahead and tell them right off how great of a person i can be (and i truly believe that i am really awesome in a lot of ways), that they'll give up on me right from the beginning.

however, i am learning that this is not a good thing to do. it's not good to "let in on yourself" too soon with people and get to too deep a level too soon. people are turned off by that. i can come across as a really serious and intense person, and it scares people away. i need to just start going with the flow more. that's what my dad has told me. it's why i never made many friends in school.

i don't know. sometimes i am tempted to just chalk everything up to "that's just how i am." but there are ways i can change and better myself.  i need not to dwell in self-pity. i need to get up and try, try again. it's like when jesus was asked how many times a person should forgive someone. they said "seven times?" and jesus said "seventy times seven." in other words, "every time." it's like with chances. God will forgive my failures "seventy times seven" and will allow me to keep trying until i get it right. we're in this together. all of us.

peace guys,
steph

Currently Listening In Motion By Copeland see related

getting to heaven - is it easy or hard?

i am very frustrated right now at my lack of understanding of the gospel.

in reading "the irresistible revolution," by shane claiborne, i am confused and often angry.  not at anyone or anything, just my lack of understanding.

i didn't think salvation was supposed to be hard. i didn't think it was supposed to be a matter of works. but that's what it sometimes seems like to me. for example...

the "cost of discipleship" is everything. EVERYTHING. jesus said to the rich man who wanted to know how he could get to heaven "sell all you have and give to the poor." his disciples were incredulous. "who, then, can be saved? this is impossible!" jesus, of course, said "with man this is impossible. but with God, all things are possible." so yes, the rich CAN be saved. but at what cost? everything, apparently.

apparently we like to "conceptualize" things and make the Gospel less offensive, more inclusive, and more appealing, so we say things like, "God doesn't REALLY mean we have to give EVERYTHING up to follow him. we can keep our rollerblades and our favorite albums. jesus only means we can't let these things become idols. we can't make them important to us than christ and our relationship with him. as long as our priorities are in order, we're fine. we can 'keep our stuff'." but claiborne says he is not so sure of this.

again, (and i believe this), we cannot pick and choose what we want to believe from the Bible.

but i am just torn. i honestly don't know what jesus means. am i supposed to literally give all my possessions to the poor? let's look at this logically. if i give it to the poor, the poor are no longer poor and now THEY have a bunch of stuff to give away. the POOR are now RICH. and it's an endless cycle.

what did jesus mean? and is the cost of discipleship the same for every follower?

i thought salvation meant you accepted christ as your savior. plain and simple as that. but apparently that's just the "hook to reel you in." if you REALLY want to be saved and go to heaven, you have to sell everything you have.

dietrich bonhoeffer has this idea called "cheap grace," where he basically says that we cheapen God's grace by being so inclusive and conceptualizing everything.  essentially, we cheapen what we want others to experience because we tell them the gospel doesn't REALLY mean you have to give ALL your things to the poor. i don't agree with this concept of cheap grace. first of all, it makes grace seem like its work-based, which is exactly the OPPOSITE of what "grace" actually means. to me, anyhow. and as i understand it. but am i wrong? i could be. it goes back to the age-old question of "faith vs. works." and i don't get into that. the simple answer to the dilemma is and has always been, "well, you are saved through faith in christ, but if you're really serious about your relationship with him, works will stem from that." that seems to easy of an explanation to me.

anyway, i am at a loss right now. and i hate it when i can't understand stuff that jesus believed his followers SHOULD understand. does this mean i am not a true, real and genuine christian? would all this stuff come naturally to me if i was? all of you, my faithful readers, seem to have answers to my questions. well, what are YOUR questions? it seems that all of this is so easily grasped by you guys, but i am always at a loss.

can someone who is constantly questioning, like me, really be a believer? i'm asking seriously.

claiborne says that when the rich man walked away sadly, jesus did not run after him saying things like, "it's a journey, you can start small. it will be okay." he just let the man go off to this wealth. and i personally ask, "well, why DIDN'T jesus go after him?" after all, that seems to me what jesus would do. but he didn't. why not? i thought faith WAS a journey. who, immediately upon receiving christ, gives all they have? usually they are just beginning to understand what christianity is all about. maybe 20 years later they'll do something radical like that. but not at first. at least, most of us wouldn't. not us "average folk."

guh. don't get me wrong, i like this book. it makes me think. and it's challenging. but i'm also wrestling with what i do and don't agree with about it.

i mean, let's say jesus WAS serious and i, stephanie, AM supposed to literally sell all my possessions. well, how would i go about doing that? to whom would i sell them to? and then what? when i have nothing, what do i do? pray until i am led somewhere? ruthless trust that would take, yes, but is that what "ruthless trust" really means? what is God's definition of it? and does it really entail what we're thinking it entails? i guess i just mean that our traditional understanding of "ruthless trust" (i borrow this term from brennan manning, by the way) might not be so cut and dry. so simple. and so easily understood. i am wondering if we are even reading between the lines of the scriptures. i mean, even me when i read that jesus told a rich man that the only way he could get to heaven was to give all he had to the poor thinks that he was talking literally. but if we DO believe that, are we merely oversimplifying things? i'm not saying jesus didn't say what he really meant, i'm just saying...was their a greater truth beneath it that we're missing?

and if so, i don't know what it is yet. because if i'm honest, then this too, this theory that under everything christ says there's a deeper meaning, also makes the gospel, again...TOO HARD.

and here i am, silly me, thinking that "gospel" meant "GOOD news." easy news? no. but let's be honest. "hard news" is hardly seen as being good. and if it's easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than for someone like me to enter the kingdom of God, then this is, DEFINITELY, bad news for me.

there has to be something more to this. i just don't know what it is.

Currently Reading Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson By Mitch Albom see related

an apology

sorry for the angry post, guys. i think i probably felt convicted by what i read more than anything else. and jealous that so many people know what they're called to do, and i struggle with knowing my own calling. my anger runs deep and is personal, and isn't so much about THEM as it is ME.

so yeah. i WAY overreacted. sorry everyone. thanks for your patience.

warning: potentially VERY offensive

i am so pissed.

SO PISSED.

so i started on this book, "the irresistible revolution," by shane claiborne, and it had the opposite effect on me that i thought it would.  and i only just finished the introduction!!

before anyone gets all huffy and puffy with me, let me explain.

this just seems like another one of those books where the author claims to be neither republican nor democrat (just so as to not offend anyone) and also claims to not desire fame and fortune but to obviously have it anyway (regardless of whether or not he gives it all to the poor. the fact is, doing that kind of stuff is made so much easier for him because he HAS the money, the fame, the influence, the fortune...)

i could just scream right now because i don't get it. what is SO WRONG with the traditional style of church? sure it's got problems, but so do these so-called emergent, revolutionary churches! traditional southern baptist church-goers get just as much out of their church as do the contemporary church-goers. generations of people have all grown up differently and so understand things differently and are "spiritually fed" or fulfilled differently. it's all about subcultures. i hate the way this guy bashes jerry falwell as being a "superchristian." granted, jerry falwell's not my favorite person either, and maybe i'm just playing devil's advocate here (i have a tendency to do that) but jerry falwell did some great things. he established a house for unwed mothers and yet people blame him for being hateful and intolerant. you can hate this man all you want, but he did a lot of great things to advance the kingdom. people actually CHEERED when he died. how sick.

living a godly life is not about going to africa. it's not about going with the current "christian trend," such as, dare i say it, the "emergent church" (of which i'll admit, i'm even a fan!!) and yet i have problems with it. if this movement isn't careful they'll be just as susceptible to intolerance as those 'ole traditional geysers (i say that last phrase with sarcasm). WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING TRADITIONAL? granted, i feel as though i come from an array of different backgrounds when it comes to my faith. i'm not strictly traditional, but i'm not strictly contemporary either.  but what's so wrong with being an average person and living comfortably? granted any christian will go through hard times in life where they have to face uncomfortable parts of their lives and change habits. it's a part of life. but just because someone isn't literally selling all their possessions and visiting poor people every week and volunteering in soup kitchens doesn't mean they aren't solid, godly followers of christ. maybe they are stay-at-home moms who raise 5 children and instill in them the message of Christ and take care of them. that's pretty traditional. is it wrong? should the mom completely abandon her lifestyle and go serve in a foreign country where she is, literally, UNcomfortable? what's really WRONG with a LITTLE comfort? heck, i live comfortably. it's because my parents went to school and they DESERVE the money they get to make a living. is that so bad? besides without that money how CAN you really help serve the poor and feed the hungry? SOMEBODY'S gotta live comfortably if someone else is going to eat!!  i mean if you're tithing and doing what you can to serve others and helping people along the way that Christ brings to you, does this mean you are doing it wrong simply because you DO have possessions and you DO enjoy a good book or CD and a warm bed at night? i mean, if being a christian literally means i have to live in a jungle where i starve and literally fight for survival every day, then i am not a christian by any means. yet these writers tend to think that is the only way to live. what's funny is that THEY are being traditional in that sense. the traditional person who wants to live an extraordinary life is a missionary-esque person who goes overseas. these "radical christians" have a TRADITIONAL understanding of what the word "radical" means. or "extraordinary." that's just funny and ironic to me.

alas, i digress...

jesus was NOT a democrat OR a republican. i think the only part i agree with so far with shane claiborne is that jesus was a RADICAL. but people who say jesus would've been a punk rock kid had he lived in this day and age...all of that sounds so foolish to me. we're putting jesus in a box. even in attempting to say that he's a rebel or a law-breaker...we're putting him in a box. we don't realize it, but we are.

jesus was jesus. and last time i checked, God was holy, literally meaning "other." if jesus is God, then he, too, is "other." he is not a democrat, or a rebel, or a punk rock kid. he is JESUS and he is HOLY.

i could seriously just be PMSing here, but this has really been starting to unnerve me. movements claiming they're better than others. writers claiming they don't want to be seen as celebrities but yet they write with an overbearing sense of humility that makes that claim suspicious in its own right. i mean, claiborne goes to say that if someone calls him "awesome," they've got the wrong idea because "only God is awesome." okay, point taken, but i say...take a freakin' compliment! geez! we KNOW God is awesome yadda yadda yadda, but you're spreading his word, so it's OKAY to be considered "cool" by the kids who look up to you, for pete's sake! that is one of my pet peeves, when i thank someone for their godly guidance and all they have to say is "hey, don't thank me, thank God. i'm just his messenger." a simple "you're welcome" would suffice, k thanks.

claiborne also says that being a radical is not limited to the saints and martyrs (okay, good so far) but then he says that being ordinary is the only ingredient for being a radical. it's as if he's subtly writing off the goodness of these said saints and martyrs.  i don't appreciate being lumped in with mother teresa. i have no right to be. we may both be human and capable of the same things, but don't undermine her by saying that the things i do and the things she does are the same. i am not QUITE that courageous. i think people like mother teresa deserve to be called saints.

maybe i just don't understand. maybe i just need to cool down and really think about things. i don't know. but i'm pissed about this right now. i hate how it seems to me that the only true church nowadays has to be a random building, without a steeple and without a sign. no decorations, just plain. no dresses, just jeans. what if you WANT a pretty (actual) church and what's so wrong with having a church sign (this is where i disagree with rob bell, by the way). i don't see it as "advertising your church" so much as showing people WHERE IT IS so THEY CAN GO. if you don't have a sign, how are people going to know that this random building is a church. bell argues that they'll find it because they are truly searching. but churches aren't just for those who are searching, they are for those who SHOULD or NEED to be searching but AREN'T. they are for the clueless just as much as they are the people who know what they want. that's why i think it's okay to have a sign with your church's name on it. in fact i think it'd be kind of arrogant not to.

okay. if i have offended anyone i am sorry but i am full of hot air tonight and these thoughts have been running around in my head for a long time. maybe it's just because i come from a traditional, southern baptist background that i defend it...all i know is, i have yet to find a christian writer a part of this so-called  "revolutionary movement" who actually says that it is OKAY to be a part of an ACTUAL denomination. or that it's OKAY to be a southern baptist. or that it's OKAY to think homosexuality is wrong, or that abortion is wrong.  today the current fad is to declare oneself "nondenominational" so as to appear more "jesus-like" and less exclusive and less offensive. gah. people get too offended these days anyway. hello - JESUS was offensive! he said he was the ONLY way to heaven. nothing else could get you there. if that isn't offensive to people who have been diligently practicing another religion for years, i don't know what else is!

okay, i'm done. if i keep thinking about this i'm going to piss myself off even more.

i need a soda.